“But Jess,” you are saying after reading that headline, “Paul Ryan still drives the wienermobile. He also paddles the douchecanoe and pilots the U.S.S. Jackass.” To which I say, yes, he totally does. But in this case I am referring to literally driving the literal Wienermobile, as in the Oscar Mayer one. Ryan used to flog Oscar Mayer’s phosphate tubes in college, and they gave him the keys to the giant hot dog. 

Now, don’t go getting sweet on Ryan just because he has been inside one of the most intrinsically funny objects on Earth. He only got to drive it once, and hot dogs are bad for you, and more to the point Paul Ryan is fucking terrible. I’m just saying, don’t assume he’s too excited about getting to try and fail to be vice president. Ryan’s career peaked a long time ago.