Articles by Sarah K. Burkhalter

And unfashionable.

Getting cancer from chemicals is so last month. Get cancer from being green instead!

Your hybrid, though reducing greenhouse-gas emissions, could be the source of a cancer-causing electromagnetic field! Your tofu, presumably a substitute for overconsumption of meat, could give you thyroid cancer -- deforestation aside! Reading Grist, your indispensable source of environmental enlightenment, could give you cancer! My, you can't take a breath these days without finding out that breathing gives you cancer!

What's a paranoid enviro to do?

The answer to this and many, many, many other questions: Wear silver underwear!

<Segue smoothly into long, profound, philosophical commentary on the detrimental effects of paranoia. End with Hallmark-worthy reflection on living life to the fullest. Accept imminent comments on life-changing nature of post with enviable humility.>

If you want your kid to be famous.

If you want your kid to be famous, that is.

Demographers (a notoriously "educated guess"-ing bunch) are predicting that the 300 millionth American will be born in October of this year. Do the math ... that's right. You can finish reading this post later.

You're most likely to be the parent of "Baby 300 Million" (or, as I like to call it, B3M) if you are a Latino in Los Angeles County. And it'll be a boy! Congratulations!

Unlike many of his predecessors, B3M could live to be 90. However, jury's out on the kind of world he'll be living in, due to sprawl, etc.: According to one demographer, "By the time the 300 millionth individual gets to adulthood, many of the cities today we consider small and nice to live in won't be so nice." [Ominous music]

Lest you were wondering, Baby 200 Million (who actually probably missed the two million spot by two years, according to later revised Census Bureau estimates, but whatev) is 38-year-old Robert Ken Woo, Jr. of Atlanta. I smell photo op!

In fact, B2M, B3M, and B4M might all be able to hang out, since B4M is scheduled to arrive in, oh, 40 years or so.

In a depressing sort of way.

I'm depressed. But, "Blog something funny," says my editor. So here goes.

China's toxic rivers are still toxic! Ha ha!

We don't know why (wink, wink) but there's so little snow this winter that the infamous "they" are canceling snow sculpting contests and putting detours in sled dog races! Ho ho ho!

Rumor has it that the Asia-Pacific climate pact will not reduce emissions at all! Oh, my splitting sides!

There's a possibility that organic produce has more pesticides than regular produce! Ah, you slay me!

Soy and bug spray might negatively affect reproductive organs! Stop it, I'm crying!

Welp, the environment isn't funny, so it's a damn good thing Jack Handey is.

Peter Jackson campaigns to save gorillas.

Inspired by the plight of his film's über-gorilla, King Kong director Peter Jackson is backing efforts by the International Gorilla Conservation Programme to save Kong's smaller, less fictional friends. The Independent reports that Jackson's efforts include charity premieres of the film and plans for the King Kong DVD to include a documentary film about wild gorillas.

There are thought to be fewer than 1,000 gorillas left in the wild, and some folks predict that the species will become extinct within the next few decades. Also, according to Jackson:

Gorillas are truly amazing animals -- without them there wouldn't be entertainment like King Kong.

What? My entertainment is endangered? Where do I sign??